Beauty in the Breakdown (An Editorial)

Iraq, 2007

An intensely personal and poignant experience occurred in my life roughly 5 years ago.  While serving in Iraq as a Combat Cameraman, I received a “combat wound” in the form of PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  It directly affected my passion for the art of moviemaking and placed a huge roadblock in the path thereof. 

I bring this up because recently I was interviewed by the “Make the Connection” public awareness campaign, a representative of the Veteran’s Affairs, about my experience with PTSD.  The interview involved chronicling my service in the Navy and why I took the path I did. I joined the Navy to learn mechanical and technical skills associated with image capturing, while at the same time giving to something bigger than myself: my country.  Ironically, my central contribution was the very thing damaged the most: my passion for the moving image.   The trauma etched so deeply onto my soul, I could barely edit anything without experiencing immense stress or anxiety.  When I left the Navy the skills and passion I had did not come with me.  They were left on the cutting room floor of combat, so to speak.  At the time, it felt as if the “casualty of war” was my dream.  Tear that away from anybody and you tear out the life that is in him or her.  I was paralyzed.  The professional foundation I gained became my biggest threat as opposed to a launching point for my career.

As we talked I was reminded that certain things would never be the same.  But thankfully through treatment by way of the VA, I’ve come back to a place of passion and courage enough to give it a go again.  Things are universally much better, but not all.  The memories, echoes of caustic nausea still remain.   Still, the new skills and strength I’ve gained through unique treatment have opened doors both literally and figuratively – necessary components for me to carry on.  It was my honor to tell my story if it helps even one veteran know they are not alone and can receive help.  But the experience was also therapeutic for me.   Not only did it remind me of the pain, but it also reminded me of victory – and the victories I still have a duty to fulfill.  No matter how much extra effort it takes now for me to act, storytelling will only remain a ‘casualty’ if I leave it there.  And then the ‘enemy’ wins: the enemies of terror and fear, both physically and psychologically.  But I am not a victim of circumstances.  In spite of the subconscious apprehension I have, my service to my family, friends and community are not over.   We serve by contributing our time and talents in our own unique ways.  My unique way is through storytelling. 

Many thanks to the VA and “Make the Connection” for their help and support.  Otherwise, even this blog role would not be possible.  Keep dreaming and Press On.